today i failed, but it's okay.

This morning, I could not get out of bed.
My alarm went off, I turned it off.
Kevin got up and tried to persuade me to.
Twenty minutes later he was out of the shower trying to get me to wake up.
All of a sudden it was past the time that we had wanted to leave and I was still asleep.
He was kind enough to reset my alarm for 9:30 and walk to school.
My alarm went off at 9:30.
I pushed snooze every 5 minutes for a long time.
I finally got out of bed at 10:45.

I didn't go to the gym,
I didn't clean the apartment,
I didn't even shower.

I felt like a failure.
I told Kevin that I was failing as a wife.
I apologized.

For the next few hours I started stewing about how...
Lazy I was.
Selfish I was.
Boring I was.
I wasn't focusing on my homework like I should be.
I wasn't focusing on my scripture study/prayer/spiritual side.
I should be keeping the apartment spotless, the dishes done, always having dinner on the table for my sweet husband who works so hard.

I voiced all of these things (and more) to Kevin who was so kind and understanding and firm on the opinion that I'm not a failure. He helped me feel a little better.

And then (when I was supposed to be working on a paper, oops), I found this blog post that had been shared on Facebook.

Please read it if you are feeling like a waste of space, a horrible person, a failure.
It's all about how we tend to tell ourselves little lies about who we are when we do something wrong. We tell ourselves that we aren't good enough, that we are lazy, selfish, boring, failing. Then she talked about how instead of focusing on our little setbacks, we should recognize our "little drops of awesome", when we do something good.

It helped me out so much.
I realize that today was not a great day in terms of productivity.
But, instead of dwelling on all that I didn't do, or all that I did wrong, I want to share what I did accomplish.

I got dinner all ready in the crockpot, it's cooking right now and will be ready to eat as soon as we get home.
I made lunch for my husband.
I loaded and started the dishwasher so we will have clean dishes getting home.
I went to all of my classes and stayed awake.
I took a quiz and submitted an assignment.
I participated in class.
I told my husband that I love him and I gave him lots of kisses.

All of these things are drops of awesome in my bucket.
I want to be more positive.
I want to be happier.
I want to focus on the good things in my life, instead of on the things I am sorely lacking in.
A little bit at a time.